Saturday, March 26, 2005
Why does it suddenly feel like I'm going to die?
Now that the truth of my situation has sort of kicked in, and yes, I've accepted it, things just feel very different. Everything I do now seems magical - like that awesome day at a theme park when you're six years old. You just try to hold onto everything. At the same time, you're too scared to move, to try anything, so you just sit in a ball and wait for the inevitable - for the great day to end. Yes, I'm leaving town, but it seems to me like everyone's moving on. We're done - and there's nothing else to it. That still doesn't help me - getting weird, forlorn looks from people (namely my mom).
I'm not gone yet! And even when I'm gone - we live in a small world, with internet, and telephones.
It's going to be ok.
I'm not dying or anything.
It's Easter Weekend. The devout are marking the holiday through religious ceremony, prayer, and some are watching that awful Mel Gibson version of events. (yeah...) Apparently, the really really devout Catholics in SE Asia are marking the event by actually crucifying people. That's right - "volunteers" to be like Christ are nailed to freaking crosses - I'm assuming they get taken down though after they experience the searing pain. I know that this seems completely crazy - but somehow - I can sort of see the logic in it. If you really want to understand someone, the only want to do it would be to suffer like them. I mean, I wouldn't do it -haha- but I can see why a true believer would. Unfortunately - they showed these people on the news. Believe me, watching an ACTUAL person being nailed that way is way worse than any of Hollywood's tricks.
I think I'll stick to chocolate. Why? Because it's so deliciously irrelevant.
I'm not gone yet! And even when I'm gone - we live in a small world, with internet, and telephones.
It's going to be ok.
I'm not dying or anything.
It's Easter Weekend. The devout are marking the holiday through religious ceremony, prayer, and some are watching that awful Mel Gibson version of events. (yeah...) Apparently, the really really devout Catholics in SE Asia are marking the event by actually crucifying people. That's right - "volunteers" to be like Christ are nailed to freaking crosses - I'm assuming they get taken down though after they experience the searing pain. I know that this seems completely crazy - but somehow - I can sort of see the logic in it. If you really want to understand someone, the only want to do it would be to suffer like them. I mean, I wouldn't do it -haha- but I can see why a true believer would. Unfortunately - they showed these people on the news. Believe me, watching an ACTUAL person being nailed that way is way worse than any of Hollywood's tricks.
I think I'll stick to chocolate. Why? Because it's so deliciously irrelevant.
Thursday, March 24, 2005
Quick, hobbits, now's your chance!
See here!
OMG OMG
I'm basically in - to a Masters program!
I'll be living in Kejimkujic National Park, in Nova Scotia, for the summer.
Check it out:
I'll be living in Kejimkujic National Park, in Nova Scotia, for the summer.
Check it out:
Monday, March 21, 2005
For every action....
there is an equal and opposite reaction - which should accound for why I've become a minimum efficiency robot. Can't... work... can only find other things to do - like... brick walls are interesting!
The weather has been amazing, and I hate to waste the beautiful skies and clear roads, so I got back out running yesterday, and subsequently really did a number on my knee!
Today, I finally got out to try out my new BIKE - and I'm in love! I biked around my neighbourhood for 40 minutes without realizing that any time had even elapsed, and I didn't feel tired at all until I got off the bike and nearly fell over! Woot! It's great because it gets your heart going, you can travel longer distances than running, and your knees don't absolutely kill you!
Anyway, I should probably stop this non-work.
The weather has been amazing, and I hate to waste the beautiful skies and clear roads, so I got back out running yesterday, and subsequently really did a number on my knee!
Today, I finally got out to try out my new BIKE - and I'm in love! I biked around my neighbourhood for 40 minutes without realizing that any time had even elapsed, and I didn't feel tired at all until I got off the bike and nearly fell over! Woot! It's great because it gets your heart going, you can travel longer distances than running, and your knees don't absolutely kill you!
Anyway, I should probably stop this non-work.
Sunday, March 20, 2005
Maximum Efficient Robot
I've been good. Mostly. Well, I've even taken momentary slacking breaks, but still managed to meet my insane work-related goals for myself. I had planned to write two class term papers (of 3) this weekend, and they are DONE (rough copies at least). Mission accomplished. End transmission.
I don't know what I'm feeling now. I think the best way to describe it is that I feel a lot of peace. I don't get stressed out or worried. I can be jittery and excited externally, but internally I'm totally calm. It's very strange. I feel totally disconnected from a lot of things that used to matter to me, and strange serenity with how I regard my human relationships.
Maybe I'm efficient because I have this incredible peace of mind.
If I die tomorrow in a horrible accident, I've had a great life, and I am extremely thankful for the experiences that I've shared.
If all goes well, I won't randomly be killed tomorrow though, and my life will go on to be fruitful and serene.
It's very strange when things just make sense.
But I stick by what I said before, about how things don't just "work out". They don't. I no longer have a blind faith that things will happen for reasons. I control my own fate and peace of mind.
Control of self is not an illusion. It just requires discipline.
I think I've been doing well at developing my mental discipline by using my mind extensively at some times, and then meditating and being able to completely remove myself from concious thoughts. The void provides peace - because somehow, truth sits in the absence of everything.
I don't know what I'm feeling now. I think the best way to describe it is that I feel a lot of peace. I don't get stressed out or worried. I can be jittery and excited externally, but internally I'm totally calm. It's very strange. I feel totally disconnected from a lot of things that used to matter to me, and strange serenity with how I regard my human relationships.
Maybe I'm efficient because I have this incredible peace of mind.
If I die tomorrow in a horrible accident, I've had a great life, and I am extremely thankful for the experiences that I've shared.
If all goes well, I won't randomly be killed tomorrow though, and my life will go on to be fruitful and serene.
It's very strange when things just make sense.
But I stick by what I said before, about how things don't just "work out". They don't. I no longer have a blind faith that things will happen for reasons. I control my own fate and peace of mind.
Control of self is not an illusion. It just requires discipline.
I think I've been doing well at developing my mental discipline by using my mind extensively at some times, and then meditating and being able to completely remove myself from concious thoughts. The void provides peace - because somehow, truth sits in the absence of everything.
